get it gurl

Today I want to talk about something that I have really been struggling with not just recently but really my whole life. It's exercise, I have always hated it. From running races in Primary School, any kind of sport and really any kind of physical endurance it was just not for me. When I intentionally "forgot" my sports uniform in High School to get out of sport class, teachers punished me by making me sit on the side of the basketball court writing lines, for me this was great, of course I'd much rather sit down and write in a book, I didn't understand how that was punishment, if I could get out of running around I was happy. And this only got worse for me after High School, exercise had never been part of my routine and when I tried to make it part of my routine I was met with a lack of enthusiasm from myself and many phases that just came and went, one walk around my town a month isn't enough exercise for an already over weight girl.

And with this lack of exercise came a lack of self love and a lack self confidence. I seem to be saying the word "lack" a lot here, which has made me realize that that's exactly what happened to me when I wasn't exercising I LACKED in so many things. I hated my body, I hated shopping, I even stopped taking selfies for so long (which is crazy because who doesn't love doing that) I absolutely hated everything about myself and I didn't understand how anyone, especially my boyfriend could even find me attractive, if I couldn't love myself how could he love me?

When I first made the decision to make more of an effort with self love I did all the cliche things, face masks, a new skin care routine, new clothes, new hair, spending money on treatments. But I still felt like absolute shit, no matter how much money I could spend on myself (which wasn't much, hello check out chick life) it didn't make me feel any better. And then I was diagnosed with Endometriosis, and although I know many women who have Endo still end up having babies, I was mortified to know that it could affect my chances and I knew that weight is also a factor in fertility. It was in that moment that I knew I wasn't going to be a fat slob who couldn't have babies, I decided I had to make a change. And I did. I decided I had to do more than spending money and convincing myself that a small walk every now and then was good exercise, I decided to sign up for the gym. The thought of this terrified me, how tf could I go to the gym? I had never worked out before, especially not in front of people, especially people who were fit, had muscles, were skinny, drank protein shakes, injected steroids and took gym selfies! I had seriously stereotyped gym goers into these unworldly like figures that I could just never be.

Until I realized that was simply not true. No, my first gym session was not all smooth sailing, I worked out with some guy who literally looked like a pirate on steroids, he made me do all these exercises and lifts that I actually thought I was going to die, I ended up vomiting right in front of him, I left the gym in tears never wanting to go back. I came home and took one look at myself and hated what I saw, I thought fuck it, I'm going back. I went back and made my intentions clear to the staff and they really helped me, I got myself a personal trainer and a healthy routine, and I just recently found out that steroid pumping pirate man got fired. ha ha. I've been going to the gym regularly for about two months now and while I do still like to make fun in my head of the muscle man dick heads that stare at them selves in the mirror while they lift weights, I actually feel a million times better. And that's what I've really been trying to focus on, how I feel rather than how I look. After reading Khloe Kardashians 'Strong Looks Better Naked' for the second time I'm feeling even more inspired. It's super important for me to be inspired and have something to look up to. While I definitely don't have quite the Kardashian bod (or butt) it's the words in Khloe's book that speak to me, it's helped me to focus on the important things like how I feel rather than how much I weigh, how exercise is an incredible stress reliever and how that time I spend in the gym is my time, where I can focus and clear my mind.

With regular exercise my overall mood has improved astronomically, I love my life, I'm proud of myself just for trying. I did a lot of walking this last weekend when I was on a trip along the Great Ocean Road, I loved every minute of the walking because I noticed how much easier exercise had become for me, don't get me wrong all those stairs did almost kill me and I still thought to myself 'Yaass, when I finish this walk there's lollies in the car' and while I know that's not a great mind set to have I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world because I didn't eat like that everyday and I knew I'd be back at the gym this week. I find it important not to reward yourself with food but it's more important not to punish yourself with food, if you want some bloody caramel M&M's, HAVE THEM, they are delicious, just remember that your routine and the way you feel is your main focus. I've learnt that you can spend as much money on active wear, create as many inspo Pintrest boards, and dwell on the thought of exercise for as long as you want but nothing will ever come of out if you don't get out of your own way and JUST DO IT (No, I am not sponsored by Nike if you were wondering)